Scattered Thoughts . . .

Sheila nudged me awake in the middle of the night last night...  I thought she was waking me because I was having another violent nightmare again (which, unfortunately, happens too often)... and I immediately said to myself, "...wait a second... I wasn't having a nightmare."   I was thinking, "This must be serious..." All she said was, "I need you to... " and I jumped up out of bed to see what was wrong.   She was about to vomit... she couldn't move... she couldn't focus her eyes as they darted violently back and forth... she wanted me to get a bucket. I ran for the bucket and a plastic bag while all sorts of first aid techniques were running through my head... and, as I wondered why this was happening.  She kept saying, "I can't move... I can't move... I think I'm going to be sick..." and she looked terrible. She was stiff yet she seemed to be only as flat as the contour of the bed and pillow as though she were

It was our second sunny day in a row today! First thing this morning, we headed up to the hospital to see our warrior princess and her parents in their new PICU room overlooking Lake Champlain and the Adirondack Mountains. We picked up some coffee and breakfast for ourselves as well as for Whitney and Wayne and continued on to the hospital.  We were fortunate this morning to have arrived early enough to meet with the team of doctors. Although Ellie had a nice burst of energy and consciousness yesterday and seemed to have a great day (albeit with some visible pain)... which was perhaps the most "normal" day for her since being in the PICU... she had a rough and rather dangerous night through the night. Naturally, the doctors addressed this while also showing concern about her continuing struggles and evolving problems. Ironically, Ellie was awake during this doctor visit and seemed to be listening intently as the doctors talked and carefully examined little Ellie.  Ellie r

When we awoke this morning, the sky was a crystal clear blue and the sun was shining brightly! We hadn't seen this in weeks! The day was off to a good start for a change.  We immediately headed toward the hospital again to visit with Whitney, Wayne, and Ellie, our little warrior princess.  When we arrived at the quiet, empty hospital it was early Saturday morning so the hospital was eerily quiet. We made our way to the PICU which is in the opposite corner of the hospital from the main entrance.  As we approached Ellie's room, we could see the door was open with no commotion in the area around her room... a good sign...  We stepped into the room and it was relatively quiet other than the warning tones and beeps indicating relatively minor issues... the tones and beeps cutting through the silence. Mom was sitting on her bed in the corner of the room, dad was still sleeping, and Ellie seemed to be resting quietly but breathing deeply... The nurses are in the room 24

Sue's ICU room reflected in the windows overlooking Lake Champlain and the Adirondack Mountains. It has been a couple of days of serious reflection and I even captured a photo of this in a literal sense. We just can't seem to break away from the hospital! We certainly are on a consistent roll between me, Sheila and now Sheila's mom, Sue. The past couple of days have been spent at the hospital with Sue and we expect to do the same through the long weekend ahead.  Sue certainly has had a rough couple of days and she really had all of us worried yesterday! (And there are a lot of "us" in Sue's life!) The next few weeks promise to be quite rough for her as she continues to slowly heal. On the positive side, Sue is now stable and, hopefully, steadily healing.  Sue slipped on the ice right outside their garage yesterday morning... slammed to the ground... left with visible bruising, a bloodied head and a relatively small bleed on the brain. She doesn

Another lunch in the hospital cafe. Sheila has moved into a new stage of side effects. This new stage of side effects has appeared only about a week before she moves into a new stage of radiation treatment. More on the additional change in treatment another time because I want to write about the current issue... burning, peeling and itching. At this point in radiation treatment, Sheila's skin is showing some burns. She has already been showing signs of a "tan" for weeks and we have known that the tissue beneath the skin has been getting irritated but now she's getting into burn territory.  Sheila has been a little bit swollen since her surgery and the radiation isn't really allowing the swelling to go down. She had already been feeling "tender" in the tissue under the skin and that continues to slowly worsen. Sheila says it isn't bad but it is obvious by her guarded reactions to things that she does feel tender in various areas.  The other

I had mentioned in a previous blog entry that Sheila had a few medical appointments yesterday and that I would write more about these appointments soon. I have a little time today so I suppose that now is the time. Sheila's first appointment yesterday was her usual radiation treatment appointment. Physically, these are pretty easy appointments on the patient... in and out quickly and, really, not at all invasive. What is grueling about it is the everyday drive to and from the hospital as well as the emotional aspect of daily radiation treatment and constantly being reminded that you are fighting cancer... for the second time. Of course, as this daily treatment continues, more side-effects are physically affecting Sheila each day too. The radiation treatment appointment itself, however, is usually a quick in and out appointment. At the moment, Sheila says she feels as though she has a bad sunburn. Her breast is swollen and tender enough that she can no longer lay on it nor can s

Taking a break in the hospital's cafe. Things have pretty much moved into the extremely monotonous stage of treatment. For the most part, we do the same exact thing every single day. We go to the hospital and see the same people each and every day.  Our days are so monotonous that Sheila says she feels as though she is in the movie "Groundhog Day". Each week, we have to squeeze in a visit with the Radiation Oncologist... another day we squeeze in a visit with the nurse... another day is another doctor... and another day is acupuncture for oncology patients. Even with these added visits, things have become quite monotonous. The daily radiation has already started to create a visible burn like a sunburn. The entire right side of her chest... all the way around to under her arm... is getting darker like she spent too much time in the sun. There is some swelling... some relatively minor pain (especially if she attempts to run)... and definitely some irritation from

The rooftop garden at the hospital... the cafe's fresh vegetables are grown here. We began our week feeling positive and energized which was awesome because this is the first time we began a week in this way in months. Sheila had about five days off in a row so she could catch up on sleep and continue to recover from her recent surgery, the beginning of radiation treatment and a terrible cold that developed at a very inopportune time. By the fifth day of rest, naps, and recovery, Sheila was acting more like herself and showing a bit more energy so our week started off with both of us feeling great! The one danger of feeling great during a long and trying period of treatment is that it is very easy to overdo it by doing more than the body can handle over the next few days. We were both careful about keeping each other in check because we are already well versed in managing energy due to my own continuous health issues. That being said, it is now Thursday and we are running

Earlier in the week, Sheila and I went shopping for bras that are appropriate for radiation treatment and breast cancer in general. We had already done this same shopping at Kohl's when Sheila was first diagnosed but she quickly found that her choice in bras was not ideal for her current situation in Radiation Treatment. We decided to buy more appropriate bras so we headed back to Kohl's since that store is right near the hospital. The woman at the Customer Service counter talked Sheila into returning the bras she had originally bought and then called for a specific sales associate. When this sales associate arrived at the Customer Service counter, we informed her of Sheila's dilemma, and then the sales associate quickly and brightly explained that she, too, was a breast cancer patient and she knew exactly what Sheila needed.  We then followed the sales associate as she collected a few options for Sheila. As Sheila sat in the dressing room, the sales associate retrieved

Unfortunately, Sheila's health has been deteriorating more and more each day since beginning her radiation treatment last week. It actually has been pretty frightening watching this happen! The primary reason for this deteriorating health is that she picked up a cold right when treatment began and her overall health has been spiraling downward ever since.  Sleeping has been difficult for her for a number of reasons mostly related to her cancer treatments and surgeries starting 11 years ago so she is now getting worn down to dangerous levels. This second fight with cancer has only exasperated the problem.  She is also dealing with a weakened immune system now because she has started radiation treatment. About a week ago, she added a nasty cold into the mix which includes her radiation-induced weakened immune system and the result is that her declining health has quickly become out of control. Her Radiation Oncologist noticed this declining health in our visit to her yeste

Sheila's radiation treatment began yesterday. The next two months will be exhausting for both of us but mostly for Sheila   (I need a nap already and it's only been one day of radiation treatment) . For Sheila, this daily treatment will progressively get more taxing, exhausting and painful as the radiation sears and burns through her breast and underarm. I have some photos to share, which I'll insert below, but as I sit here staring at my computer screen, I'm at a loss for words. Maybe I'll just write whatever comes to mind when I see each photo and insert that with the photos... The entrance to Radiation Oncology is kind of cool but definitely a bit ominous... it is separated from the hospital by a long corridor and, now that I see it in photos, I know exactly what will make it less ominous... This hallway needs far more artwork on the walls with spot-lights highlighting each piece of art. I despise suspended ceilings... whether in residential homes or