Painless and Effortless... Hard to Remember...
My health has been rather lousy for the past week with the last few days being the worst. This happens fairly often. Well actually, it happens far too often! Anyway, whenever this occurs, I find myself sitting around thinking about all the things I wish I could be doing instead. I'd rather be building things for the house... I'd rather be active with some hobbies... I'd rather have energy for socializing with family and friends... and I truly do wish I had the energy and health to workout like I used to do every day and not just the basic daily physical therapy I struggle with daily! And, I can't begin to explain how much I miss having a job that I absolutely love.
I find myself sitting around trying to remember what it was like to have no pain... to be able to breath easily... to be able to do anything at all without pangs of shooting pain... to have the energy like I did before this illness changed my life completely. At this point, it is incredibly difficult to remember a time when I could do anything without pain and with boundless energy. I know that for most of my life, until this illness, I was extremely active, without pain, and with boundless energy. Now, I find that I have a very difficult time remembering what that was like... painless, effortless activity, boundless energy... Hell, if I could simply be able to roll over without excruciating pain it would be amazing! I can't even remember what that is like.
My 'to-do' list keeps getting longer and longer and I am getting more and more frustrated as a result. Keep in mind, this is a list of things to do that I actually want to do... not things I would not enjoy. The only thing I would prefer to avoid is all the poor health and pain.
Anyway, as I am sitting here on the living room couch with my netbook in my lap, typing away, I realize that another one of the things I wanted to do yet never seem to get to is to write about more of our activities and share more photos. In particular, I just realized that I never did finish sorting through our photos from Lake Groton this year. I also have some video of the grandchildren to share... underwater videos to share... and more photos of different events and outings to share.
When I will have the health, energy and time to get to these things, I don't know. In the meantime, my frustration level continues to grow...
I often find myself trying to remember what it was like to be climbing a rock face hundreds of feet above a gorge. I try to remember what it was like to play basketball freely and painlessly. I try to remember what it was like to be on skates with a hockey stick in my hand. I try to remember what it was like to run... painlessly, effortlessly and swiftly... I try to remember what it was like to be the best and toughest airman and air defense controller I could be... It all gets harder and harder to imagine and is only a very distant, vague memory. Actually, most times I cannot remember what it was like but sometimes, late at night in my dreams, I find myself doing all these things I miss so dearly... painlessly, effortlessly and with boundless energy...
I find myself sitting around trying to remember what it was like to have no pain... to be able to breath easily... to be able to do anything at all without pangs of shooting pain... to have the energy like I did before this illness changed my life completely. At this point, it is incredibly difficult to remember a time when I could do anything without pain and with boundless energy. I know that for most of my life, until this illness, I was extremely active, without pain, and with boundless energy. Now, I find that I have a very difficult time remembering what that was like... painless, effortless activity, boundless energy... Hell, if I could simply be able to roll over without excruciating pain it would be amazing! I can't even remember what that is like.
My 'to-do' list keeps getting longer and longer and I am getting more and more frustrated as a result. Keep in mind, this is a list of things to do that I actually want to do... not things I would not enjoy. The only thing I would prefer to avoid is all the poor health and pain.
Anyway, as I am sitting here on the living room couch with my netbook in my lap, typing away, I realize that another one of the things I wanted to do yet never seem to get to is to write about more of our activities and share more photos. In particular, I just realized that I never did finish sorting through our photos from Lake Groton this year. I also have some video of the grandchildren to share... underwater videos to share... and more photos of different events and outings to share.
When I will have the health, energy and time to get to these things, I don't know. In the meantime, my frustration level continues to grow...
I often find myself trying to remember what it was like to be climbing a rock face hundreds of feet above a gorge. I try to remember what it was like to play basketball freely and painlessly. I try to remember what it was like to be on skates with a hockey stick in my hand. I try to remember what it was like to run... painlessly, effortlessly and swiftly... I try to remember what it was like to be the best and toughest airman and air defense controller I could be... It all gets harder and harder to imagine and is only a very distant, vague memory. Actually, most times I cannot remember what it was like but sometimes, late at night in my dreams, I find myself doing all these things I miss so dearly... painlessly, effortlessly and with boundless energy...
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