Foggy Grogginess
Whenever my health fails with mast cell issues, a whole slew of extra medications and emergency medications are needed on top of the immense assortment of everyday medications I must consume daily in order to stay here among the living. These emergency medications, however, bring on a grogginess and foggy state which is difficult to effectively and accurately describe.
I feel like I am walking around in a different dimension than the rest of the population on our tiny rock in our vast, ever-expanding universe. I feel like this dimension is cold, damp, rather dark... like an underground tunnel... except at this stage of recovery, there is no brilliant light shining at the end of this tunnel... just shadows... silence... almost like a vacuum void of all things we understand as life.
As can be expected, my brain is significantly impacted with an imposed suppression of cognitive ability due to the grogginess brought on by these drugs (albeit life-saving drugs, for me). My mind bounces from one thing to the next within moments.
Try as I may, discussing my difficulties in focusing my attention is ridiculous because I am light-years away from having the ability to focus on any one thing at all. At best, I stick to one task for only fleeting seconds before my brain is on to something else which has vaguely appeared through the fog and diverted my attention elsewhere... ad infinitum.
(An edit during my twentieth or so attempt to complete this post: This one short blog entry is requiring multiple sittings at the computer over the course of days!)
Being in this alternate dimension also affects my demeanor as anyone would expect. There is absolutely no emotion on my face at any time... just an expressionless, blank stare. Any physical, outward recognition of my true self is deeply shrouded in this groggy, muddy fog. My physical being is an empty shell...
This is not living... I'm not even convinced this is surviving... it certainly isn't existing... I feel as though my soul has left our world and taken my unique personality with its entire library of life affirming emotions as a travel companion... the empty shell which remains is just an ever so faint whisper in an empty void of a foggy world...
I breath in... I breath out... while my eyes and ears see and hear only what an inanimate camera peering through a small hole cut through an empty shoebox would show us...
As the groggy fog lifts and my emotions faintly begin to enter my body through a whisper of a breath, the first emotion which appears is frustration... yet I try to wait patiently for my soul to find my body... to rejoin life with my own personality enveloped warmly in the amazing gift of human emotions...
Another edit six days later: I have come back to correct all the typos in this entry... there were far too many and I couldn't see any of them through the fog!
I feel like I am walking around in a different dimension than the rest of the population on our tiny rock in our vast, ever-expanding universe. I feel like this dimension is cold, damp, rather dark... like an underground tunnel... except at this stage of recovery, there is no brilliant light shining at the end of this tunnel... just shadows... silence... almost like a vacuum void of all things we understand as life.
Try as I may, discussing my difficulties in focusing my attention is ridiculous because I am light-years away from having the ability to focus on any one thing at all. At best, I stick to one task for only fleeting seconds before my brain is on to something else which has vaguely appeared through the fog and diverted my attention elsewhere... ad infinitum.
(An edit during my twentieth or so attempt to complete this post: This one short blog entry is requiring multiple sittings at the computer over the course of days!)
Being in this alternate dimension also affects my demeanor as anyone would expect. There is absolutely no emotion on my face at any time... just an expressionless, blank stare. Any physical, outward recognition of my true self is deeply shrouded in this groggy, muddy fog. My physical being is an empty shell...
This is not living... I'm not even convinced this is surviving... it certainly isn't existing... I feel as though my soul has left our world and taken my unique personality with its entire library of life affirming emotions as a travel companion... the empty shell which remains is just an ever so faint whisper in an empty void of a foggy world...
I breath in... I breath out... while my eyes and ears see and hear only what an inanimate camera peering through a small hole cut through an empty shoebox would show us...
As the groggy fog lifts and my emotions faintly begin to enter my body through a whisper of a breath, the first emotion which appears is frustration... yet I try to wait patiently for my soul to find my body... to rejoin life with my own personality enveloped warmly in the amazing gift of human emotions...
Another edit six days later: I have come back to correct all the typos in this entry... there were far too many and I couldn't see any of them through the fog!
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