Consumed with Thoughts of the Lake House
I'm not quite sure why but I've been consumed with thoughts of the lake house lately... when I'm awake and even when I'm asleep and dreaming... all the time.
Perhaps it is because my health has been mostly on the poor side since being at the lake earlier in the summer. Lately, my health has been exceptionally poor especially when it is warm or hot outside. I'm overwhelmingly exhausted on most days and can barely keep my eyes open nevermind find some energy to accomplish something small. I'm so exhausted that I find it impossible to stay focused on any task or to even think clearly. I don't know... maybe I simply want to go back to the lake house and do things.
Don't get me wrong. I occasionally have a pretty good day. On these rare days, I find that I am using up this rare fairly good health on everyday chores like cutting the lawn, laundry, straightening the house or even showering. It doesn't take much to wear me down to the point of uselessness. I do, however, have an occasional "good" day. It just sucks that I oftentimes feel that I waste these rare days trying to play catch-up with common household chores rather than doing "fun" things.
Anyway, due to this fairly consistent poor health, we've canceled our trip to the National Museum of the US Air Force once again (we've been cycling through scheduling and canceling this trip for about three years now... sometimes due to finances... mostly due to poor health). Actually, just the mere thought of traveling anywhere right now seems overwhelming and even absurd. Needless to say, all travel has been canceled until I begin to feel better on a more consistent basis.
In the meantime, my thoughts have been consumed with the lake house. Hmmm... maybe I am consumed with the lake house lately because I see that as a very effective place to rest and recover?
I've been so consumed with the lake house lately that Sheila and I even discussed spending another week there before the snow flies. For various reasons I won't get into here, this is just an unrealistic thought no matter how much we both may desire it.
I think that one of the things which is nagging at me is that I didn't get to do everything I wanted to do at the lake this summer. (Do we ever? Leaving the lake is always a difficult thing to do and, let's face it, it is even a bit depressing.)
I was left a little disappointed with my photography this year and, right now, photography is one of my few hobbies (my health puts a serious crimp into hobby and activity options). I didn't see wildlife I had hoped to see and capture in photos this year (although, I did get some unexpected photos of a bear swimming across the lake... that was a nice surprise). Even though I constantly had a camera in my hand, I was left wanting more. Sometimes you find yourself in the right place at the right time... mostly, however, that does not hold true and, lately, I've been feeling like I've been in this rut of not being in the right place at the right time. This is nagging at me too.
Perhaps I should take some time to sift through my photos from this year to remind me of all we did do this year. (That is one of the reasons I keep this blog... to allow me to easily go back and see what I have accomplished when I'm feeling pretty low and feeling like I am accomplishing absolutely nothing. Of course, I also document changes in my health which helps me remember what I need to tell my team of doctors.) Whenever I sift through old blog posts and old photos I've shot, what I find quickly reminds me that I somehow managed to accomplish much more than I felt like I had and that is a good feeling. Everyone needs to feel productive... like they accomplished something... we all need to feel satisfied with some aspect of our life. I definitely feel satisfied whenever I review old blog entries and photographs.
In hindsight, I think a serious lack of energy was my problem at the lake house this year. I was constantly trying to conserve energy so that I would have energy to expend when needed. In my quest to preserve energy, I often opted out of activities in an attempt to keep my health as stable as possible.
On the positive side, this rather conservative energy management plan left me with the energy to hike up Owl's Head Mountain with the kids... it allowed me to play games with the kids... it allowed me to go kayaking and sailing with the kids... It allowed me to prepare and cook dinner every night. Keep in mind, this only happened in spurts with a lot of rest and a lot of extra medications in between.
On the downside, the things I did accomplish due to effective planning and energy management left me wanting and needing more time to rest and more leave time away from work for Sheila so we could squeeze in other things. The more I do, the more I must rest and recover.
For the past month, even my dreams have been consumed with thoughts of the lake house. I constantly dream of spending time there... of planning to go back for the autumn foliage... of the desire to squeeze in quick visits... of wanting to spend a Christmas there... of even spending Thanksgiving there. (And I've always hated Thanksgiving! Uggg... I really hate that holiday.)
Even dead relatives are talking with me in my dreams while we are at the lake house. I know it may seem a bit odd but I communicate with dead friends and relatives very often in my dreams so that is nothing new. Being at the lake house with these people from my past is new. The lake house was not in our lives when any of these friends and relatives were alive. Even when I have dreams of being in a hospital in a very weakened state (like my waking hours), the hospital is overlooking the lake. The boundaries between my dream world and my real world seem to be blurring.
I guess what really bothers me about being consumed with a place I am not physically in is that I know I should be more focused on where I am and what I can do here and now. I know from my own life's experiences that if I don't pay attention to where I am and what is available around me, opportunities will pass me by while I'm longing to be someplace else. Those are valuable missed opportunities, yet, my thoughts are consumed with the lake house anyway.
On the positive side, dreaming of a place I cannot be at the moment is indeed the next best thing to physically being there. Sometimes I dream of playing basketball or hockey again... with no pain... with energy and strength... like my old self, my healthy self... that is always really nice too... and I always awaken exhausted as though I really played! Maybe this is a coping mechanism....
And, there is no doubt, that dreaming of a place I cannot be at the moment is especially nice when I am dreaming of this place in the company of missed deceased friends and relatives!
Now I need another nap...
Perhaps it is because my health has been mostly on the poor side since being at the lake earlier in the summer. Lately, my health has been exceptionally poor especially when it is warm or hot outside. I'm overwhelmingly exhausted on most days and can barely keep my eyes open nevermind find some energy to accomplish something small. I'm so exhausted that I find it impossible to stay focused on any task or to even think clearly. I don't know... maybe I simply want to go back to the lake house and do things.
Don't get me wrong. I occasionally have a pretty good day. On these rare days, I find that I am using up this rare fairly good health on everyday chores like cutting the lawn, laundry, straightening the house or even showering. It doesn't take much to wear me down to the point of uselessness. I do, however, have an occasional "good" day. It just sucks that I oftentimes feel that I waste these rare days trying to play catch-up with common household chores rather than doing "fun" things.
Anyway, due to this fairly consistent poor health, we've canceled our trip to the National Museum of the US Air Force once again (we've been cycling through scheduling and canceling this trip for about three years now... sometimes due to finances... mostly due to poor health). Actually, just the mere thought of traveling anywhere right now seems overwhelming and even absurd. Needless to say, all travel has been canceled until I begin to feel better on a more consistent basis.
I've been so consumed with the lake house lately that Sheila and I even discussed spending another week there before the snow flies. For various reasons I won't get into here, this is just an unrealistic thought no matter how much we both may desire it.
I think that one of the things which is nagging at me is that I didn't get to do everything I wanted to do at the lake this summer. (Do we ever? Leaving the lake is always a difficult thing to do and, let's face it, it is even a bit depressing.)
I was left a little disappointed with my photography this year and, right now, photography is one of my few hobbies (my health puts a serious crimp into hobby and activity options). I didn't see wildlife I had hoped to see and capture in photos this year (although, I did get some unexpected photos of a bear swimming across the lake... that was a nice surprise). Even though I constantly had a camera in my hand, I was left wanting more. Sometimes you find yourself in the right place at the right time... mostly, however, that does not hold true and, lately, I've been feeling like I've been in this rut of not being in the right place at the right time. This is nagging at me too.
Perhaps I should take some time to sift through my photos from this year to remind me of all we did do this year. (That is one of the reasons I keep this blog... to allow me to easily go back and see what I have accomplished when I'm feeling pretty low and feeling like I am accomplishing absolutely nothing. Of course, I also document changes in my health which helps me remember what I need to tell my team of doctors.) Whenever I sift through old blog posts and old photos I've shot, what I find quickly reminds me that I somehow managed to accomplish much more than I felt like I had and that is a good feeling. Everyone needs to feel productive... like they accomplished something... we all need to feel satisfied with some aspect of our life. I definitely feel satisfied whenever I review old blog entries and photographs.
In hindsight, I think a serious lack of energy was my problem at the lake house this year. I was constantly trying to conserve energy so that I would have energy to expend when needed. In my quest to preserve energy, I often opted out of activities in an attempt to keep my health as stable as possible.
On the downside, the things I did accomplish due to effective planning and energy management left me wanting and needing more time to rest and more leave time away from work for Sheila so we could squeeze in other things. The more I do, the more I must rest and recover.
For the past month, even my dreams have been consumed with thoughts of the lake house. I constantly dream of spending time there... of planning to go back for the autumn foliage... of the desire to squeeze in quick visits... of wanting to spend a Christmas there... of even spending Thanksgiving there. (And I've always hated Thanksgiving! Uggg... I really hate that holiday.)
Even dead relatives are talking with me in my dreams while we are at the lake house. I know it may seem a bit odd but I communicate with dead friends and relatives very often in my dreams so that is nothing new. Being at the lake house with these people from my past is new. The lake house was not in our lives when any of these friends and relatives were alive. Even when I have dreams of being in a hospital in a very weakened state (like my waking hours), the hospital is overlooking the lake. The boundaries between my dream world and my real world seem to be blurring.
I guess what really bothers me about being consumed with a place I am not physically in is that I know I should be more focused on where I am and what I can do here and now. I know from my own life's experiences that if I don't pay attention to where I am and what is available around me, opportunities will pass me by while I'm longing to be someplace else. Those are valuable missed opportunities, yet, my thoughts are consumed with the lake house anyway.
On the positive side, dreaming of a place I cannot be at the moment is indeed the next best thing to physically being there. Sometimes I dream of playing basketball or hockey again... with no pain... with energy and strength... like my old self, my healthy self... that is always really nice too... and I always awaken exhausted as though I really played! Maybe this is a coping mechanism....
And, there is no doubt, that dreaming of a place I cannot be at the moment is especially nice when I am dreaming of this place in the company of missed deceased friends and relatives!
Now I need another nap...
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