Relationships
I've been meaning to write about this topic for approximately four or five years now. Somehow other topics pushed this topic to the side time and time again. I've mentioned this topic a few times in other blog entries so I really need to make an effort to put something together to add to my blog... so here I am.
As a teacher, as a supervisor, as a leader, I have been in close contact with many adolescents and young adults over the decades and followed them through early adulthood. In order to teach them and guide them effectively, I listened carefully.
Over the decades, I was a teacher of music, aerospace, leadership, and various other specialties. It didn't matter which subject I was teaching but providing accurate information about those particular subjects was my primary concern, however, as a teacher and someone who was in a position to guide them, I would listen to their views on anything and everything. It was my job as a teacher and leader to get them thinking logically and nudge them in a positive direction so they could obtain accurate information and come to positive conclusions on their own.
As much as I loved the subjects I was teaching, one side topic always perked me up... the topic of personal relationships. This is especially true when I would hear, so often that I find it quite frightening, that "relationships are hard". This phrase would always make me cringe just like I do whenever I hear a student proclaim "I can't". These are two phrases spoken by those setting themselves up for failure.
It is impossible to visit the average Facebook newsfeed today without seeing some nonsense about how "relationships are hard". Not that Facebook is known as an accurate source of information but it is indeed a daily source of some sort of information for a very large cross section of our population. When we read something, over and over ad nauseam, people begin to believe it to some degree.
I hear and read the phrase, "relationships are hard", so often that I feel I should speak out against this myth because, honestly, I find it a bit scary that people actually believe this and because far too many people are needlessly suffering because they do believe it is true. Unfortunately, those who truly believe this myth are misguided, perhaps a bit naive, and are probably basing their knowledge of relationships on terribly poor, unhealthy relationships they've seen in their young lives. In other words, they may have never seen or experienced a strong healthy relationship in their young lives so they have nothing by which to accurately gauge their own relationships. Hopefully this blog entry will allow at least one young adult to understand that relationships needn't be hard which, in turn, will help considerably to alleviate a lot of pain and heartache in their future.
If we are referring to relationships at work where people with extreme differences of opinions and vastly differing goals are forced to work together, then yes, relationships can be hard. Unfortunately, when people proclaim "relationships are hard", they are not referring to work relationships but referring to personal, one-on-one relationships and, if so, they are very misguided and inexperienced.
Human behavior has always been a deep interest of mine and understanding human behavior is an integral part of effective leadership as well as critical in building healthy relationships in general. I've studied this subject extensively and deeply value its importance in everyday life. It is time for me to provide some of my own facts about relationships which may help younger, inexperienced adults who tend to believe that "relationships are hard".
I, myself, have made some very serious mistakes in relationships when I was younger and inexperienced so I understand that there is a naivety and innocence that tends to drive misinformation such as this.
We tend to compare our early relationships to the relationship our parents exhibited since this is our only experience with these types of relationships before we become adults. The type of relationship our parents showed us is what we think is normal until we learn otherwise.
When these young adults then experience a bad relationship on their own and an even worse breakup, rather than learning more about human behavior, about relationships and how we should handle and prioritize our relationships while also understanding how we ourselves determine how those in our life treat us, we tend to just chalk it up to "relationships are hard"... shrugging... heartbroken... not learning what we should... and again reinforcing a misguided attitude about relationships.
I hear "relationships are hard" so often and so strongly as a fact that I am certain that, for many, it has become a self-destructive, self-fulfilling prophecy. It is a myth which must be dispelled. The fact is relationships need not be hard, should not be hard, must not be hard.
To those who unthinkingly and naively proclaim, "relationships are hard and require a lot of work"... I say bull-oney!
If you truly believe relationships are hard and require a lot of work, you are not only a bit misguided but you probably have only been in relationships which lacked the basic tools and understanding necessary for a healthy, flourishing relationship. It means your own misguided beliefs more than likely caused you to be set up for failure.
If your relationship truly is hard and you feel as though you are constantly banging your head against a wall, then, quite frankly, you are in an unhealthy and perhaps a very lousy relationship and are probably wasting your time and effort. One or both of you have failed in some way and, if so, it proves you should not be together or are simply not prepared for a healthy relationship. Or, perhaps you simply are not compatible for a healthy relationship.
Relationships can be frustrating, at times, but they should never feel as though they are hard and/or require a lot of work.
Relationships require some effort, of course, but should not be "hard". Everything worth attaining in life requires effort and relationships are no different. You should not be lackadaisical about your relationships just as you should not be lackadaisical about any of your other deep interests in life. Relationships do require attention and effort but need not be "hard".
Personal relationships are about finding that person who is compatible with you. It is about finding that person who values respect, dignity and understanding the same way you do. It is about finding that person with similar life aspirations as you do. It is about finding that person who has similar tastes and preferences as you do. It is about sharing your life, your heart, your soul with your best friend. There are people out there who fit this criteria for each of us.
Personal relationships thrive on mutual respect, thoughtfulness, and especially careful and effective communication. These basic, core characteristics will easily and effortlessly promote growth and allow love, and thus the relationship, to flourish.
First off, the craziest thing about this attitude of "relationships are hard" is that personal relationships are where we could, should and do have the most control. At work we really have little to no control in relationships... business comes first. Out in public with a group of strangers... it is a dangerously potent shmorgishborg of tastes, ideas, opinions and beliefs more closely resembling the wild. When you are in a personal relationship it is with someone you actually choose to allow in your personal life... therefore, this is your own choice so it is something with which you can have control.
I'm not implying you should 'control' your relationship... not at all. I am saying that only you have the control over who you allow into your personal life therefore the responsibility to choose wisely is on your own shoulders and your shoulders alone.
You also have the control over how you are treated in your relationship. You are the one who chooses to accept how well or poorly you are treated. You don't just accept "good enough" or, worse yet, "it's better than being alone". No... stop being the helpless leaf that fell into a raging river and take some responsibility for your own choices in life including your relationships. Don't just go with the flow and let the raging river swallow you up after running you helplessly through terrifying rapids. You and only you control who is allowed to be in your life. Your choices here will dictate how you are treated by those in your life. This is not "hard".
Let's put aside love relationships for a moment...
When I meet someone new, we each size up the other through effective communication. Through those first conversations with this new acquaintance, we learn what we have in common and also how we differ. Through this quiet assessment of verbal and non-verbal language, we can effectively determine if we could be or even should be friends.
I don't know about you but when I choose someone to be a "friend", they must be someone who is a positive influence in my life. If not, then they are not a friend. You are only as good as your worst friend. Surround yourself with the right friends. This is not a "hard" concept to grasp.
Now, let's get back to love relationships which are much more intimate than simply adding a new friend to our life. For a personal relationship with a love interest, we must share common aspirations in life... we must share a common philosophy on life.... we must be best of friends... we must come first in each other's lives. We must be respectful, selfless and even allow ourselves to be vulnerable. The equation of choosing a personal relationship is a simple one but requires more criteria to be met. This equation, although simple, is sort of like finding a friend, cubed.
Relationships require compromise. Compromise need not be hard. I do understand that for young adults it can be frustrating to learn how and when to compromise. We all get better at this with experience. That being said, learning to compromise in a new relationship (less than two years) should never be hard. In fact, if your new love interest refuses to compromise on even the simplest, almost meaningless of things within that first year or two when the relationship should still be all rosey, new and exciting... it is a doomed relationship. Becoming adept at learning how and when to compromise in a relationship may be frustrating but it is not "hard". You both must be able to effectively and almost effortlessly meet in that middle ground every time it is necessary. This need not be "hard".
Fighting... Quite simply, there is no room in personal relationships for fighting. If you find yourself "fighting" in your relationship (even if simply fighting verbally... discussion is good, fighting is bad), the relationship is doomed and destined to fail. If the fighting is physical, run as fast as you can. "Fights" of any type foster a loss of respect, loss of trust, loss of faith, anger and far too often involve words which can never be taken back or forgotten. Grow up... learn to communicate effectively... choose your words carefully... and discuss the disagreement with maturity, respect and understanding. If there is "fighting", name-calling, insults, or any other immature behavior, the relationship is doomed. This is not "hard" to grasp.
When you are alone, never do or say anything without your partner that you would not do or say while your partner is standing right next to you... period. This is called respect... respect for your partner and respect for your relationship. This is not "hard".
Your love interest's needs are equal to your own needs. There is no room for unawareness nor selfishness. This is not "hard".
Your relationship and its strength is your bond with this person and this bond should be based upon mutual respect, effective communication, thoughtfulness, understanding, and love. This is not "hard".
You have your love interest's heart in your hands... respect it... nourish it... protect it. This is not "hard".
Relationships really are not hard... If you find it is indeed hard, then you are wasting your time and energy in a relationship which should not exist... either fix the relationship immediately or move on.
For those who believe "relationships are hard"... sorry... you are wrong... any worthwhile, healthy relationship is not hard.
As a teacher, as a supervisor, as a leader, I have been in close contact with many adolescents and young adults over the decades and followed them through early adulthood. In order to teach them and guide them effectively, I listened carefully.
Over the decades, I was a teacher of music, aerospace, leadership, and various other specialties. It didn't matter which subject I was teaching but providing accurate information about those particular subjects was my primary concern, however, as a teacher and someone who was in a position to guide them, I would listen to their views on anything and everything. It was my job as a teacher and leader to get them thinking logically and nudge them in a positive direction so they could obtain accurate information and come to positive conclusions on their own.
As much as I loved the subjects I was teaching, one side topic always perked me up... the topic of personal relationships. This is especially true when I would hear, so often that I find it quite frightening, that "relationships are hard". This phrase would always make me cringe just like I do whenever I hear a student proclaim "I can't". These are two phrases spoken by those setting themselves up for failure.
It is impossible to visit the average Facebook newsfeed today without seeing some nonsense about how "relationships are hard". Not that Facebook is known as an accurate source of information but it is indeed a daily source of some sort of information for a very large cross section of our population. When we read something, over and over ad nauseam, people begin to believe it to some degree.
I hear and read the phrase, "relationships are hard", so often that I feel I should speak out against this myth because, honestly, I find it a bit scary that people actually believe this and because far too many people are needlessly suffering because they do believe it is true. Unfortunately, those who truly believe this myth are misguided, perhaps a bit naive, and are probably basing their knowledge of relationships on terribly poor, unhealthy relationships they've seen in their young lives. In other words, they may have never seen or experienced a strong healthy relationship in their young lives so they have nothing by which to accurately gauge their own relationships. Hopefully this blog entry will allow at least one young adult to understand that relationships needn't be hard which, in turn, will help considerably to alleviate a lot of pain and heartache in their future.
If we are referring to relationships at work where people with extreme differences of opinions and vastly differing goals are forced to work together, then yes, relationships can be hard. Unfortunately, when people proclaim "relationships are hard", they are not referring to work relationships but referring to personal, one-on-one relationships and, if so, they are very misguided and inexperienced.
Human behavior has always been a deep interest of mine and understanding human behavior is an integral part of effective leadership as well as critical in building healthy relationships in general. I've studied this subject extensively and deeply value its importance in everyday life. It is time for me to provide some of my own facts about relationships which may help younger, inexperienced adults who tend to believe that "relationships are hard".
I, myself, have made some very serious mistakes in relationships when I was younger and inexperienced so I understand that there is a naivety and innocence that tends to drive misinformation such as this.
We tend to compare our early relationships to the relationship our parents exhibited since this is our only experience with these types of relationships before we become adults. The type of relationship our parents showed us is what we think is normal until we learn otherwise.
When these young adults then experience a bad relationship on their own and an even worse breakup, rather than learning more about human behavior, about relationships and how we should handle and prioritize our relationships while also understanding how we ourselves determine how those in our life treat us, we tend to just chalk it up to "relationships are hard"... shrugging... heartbroken... not learning what we should... and again reinforcing a misguided attitude about relationships.
I hear "relationships are hard" so often and so strongly as a fact that I am certain that, for many, it has become a self-destructive, self-fulfilling prophecy. It is a myth which must be dispelled. The fact is relationships need not be hard, should not be hard, must not be hard.
To those who unthinkingly and naively proclaim, "relationships are hard and require a lot of work"... I say bull-oney!
If you truly believe relationships are hard and require a lot of work, you are not only a bit misguided but you probably have only been in relationships which lacked the basic tools and understanding necessary for a healthy, flourishing relationship. It means your own misguided beliefs more than likely caused you to be set up for failure.
If your relationship truly is hard and you feel as though you are constantly banging your head against a wall, then, quite frankly, you are in an unhealthy and perhaps a very lousy relationship and are probably wasting your time and effort. One or both of you have failed in some way and, if so, it proves you should not be together or are simply not prepared for a healthy relationship. Or, perhaps you simply are not compatible for a healthy relationship.
Relationships can be frustrating, at times, but they should never feel as though they are hard and/or require a lot of work.
Relationships require some effort, of course, but should not be "hard". Everything worth attaining in life requires effort and relationships are no different. You should not be lackadaisical about your relationships just as you should not be lackadaisical about any of your other deep interests in life. Relationships do require attention and effort but need not be "hard".
Personal relationships are about finding that person who is compatible with you. It is about finding that person who values respect, dignity and understanding the same way you do. It is about finding that person with similar life aspirations as you do. It is about finding that person who has similar tastes and preferences as you do. It is about sharing your life, your heart, your soul with your best friend. There are people out there who fit this criteria for each of us.
Personal relationships thrive on mutual respect, thoughtfulness, and especially careful and effective communication. These basic, core characteristics will easily and effortlessly promote growth and allow love, and thus the relationship, to flourish.
First off, the craziest thing about this attitude of "relationships are hard" is that personal relationships are where we could, should and do have the most control. At work we really have little to no control in relationships... business comes first. Out in public with a group of strangers... it is a dangerously potent shmorgishborg of tastes, ideas, opinions and beliefs more closely resembling the wild. When you are in a personal relationship it is with someone you actually choose to allow in your personal life... therefore, this is your own choice so it is something with which you can have control.
I'm not implying you should 'control' your relationship... not at all. I am saying that only you have the control over who you allow into your personal life therefore the responsibility to choose wisely is on your own shoulders and your shoulders alone.
You also have the control over how you are treated in your relationship. You are the one who chooses to accept how well or poorly you are treated. You don't just accept "good enough" or, worse yet, "it's better than being alone". No... stop being the helpless leaf that fell into a raging river and take some responsibility for your own choices in life including your relationships. Don't just go with the flow and let the raging river swallow you up after running you helplessly through terrifying rapids. You and only you control who is allowed to be in your life. Your choices here will dictate how you are treated by those in your life. This is not "hard".
Let's put aside love relationships for a moment...
When I meet someone new, we each size up the other through effective communication. Through those first conversations with this new acquaintance, we learn what we have in common and also how we differ. Through this quiet assessment of verbal and non-verbal language, we can effectively determine if we could be or even should be friends.
I don't know about you but when I choose someone to be a "friend", they must be someone who is a positive influence in my life. If not, then they are not a friend. You are only as good as your worst friend. Surround yourself with the right friends. This is not a "hard" concept to grasp.
Now, let's get back to love relationships which are much more intimate than simply adding a new friend to our life. For a personal relationship with a love interest, we must share common aspirations in life... we must share a common philosophy on life.... we must be best of friends... we must come first in each other's lives. We must be respectful, selfless and even allow ourselves to be vulnerable. The equation of choosing a personal relationship is a simple one but requires more criteria to be met. This equation, although simple, is sort of like finding a friend, cubed.
Relationships require compromise. Compromise need not be hard. I do understand that for young adults it can be frustrating to learn how and when to compromise. We all get better at this with experience. That being said, learning to compromise in a new relationship (less than two years) should never be hard. In fact, if your new love interest refuses to compromise on even the simplest, almost meaningless of things within that first year or two when the relationship should still be all rosey, new and exciting... it is a doomed relationship. Becoming adept at learning how and when to compromise in a relationship may be frustrating but it is not "hard". You both must be able to effectively and almost effortlessly meet in that middle ground every time it is necessary. This need not be "hard".
Fighting... Quite simply, there is no room in personal relationships for fighting. If you find yourself "fighting" in your relationship (even if simply fighting verbally... discussion is good, fighting is bad), the relationship is doomed and destined to fail. If the fighting is physical, run as fast as you can. "Fights" of any type foster a loss of respect, loss of trust, loss of faith, anger and far too often involve words which can never be taken back or forgotten. Grow up... learn to communicate effectively... choose your words carefully... and discuss the disagreement with maturity, respect and understanding. If there is "fighting", name-calling, insults, or any other immature behavior, the relationship is doomed. This is not "hard" to grasp.
When you are alone, never do or say anything without your partner that you would not do or say while your partner is standing right next to you... period. This is called respect... respect for your partner and respect for your relationship. This is not "hard".
Your love interest's needs are equal to your own needs. There is no room for unawareness nor selfishness. This is not "hard".
Your relationship and its strength is your bond with this person and this bond should be based upon mutual respect, effective communication, thoughtfulness, understanding, and love. This is not "hard".
You have your love interest's heart in your hands... respect it... nourish it... protect it. This is not "hard".
Relationships really are not hard... If you find it is indeed hard, then you are wasting your time and energy in a relationship which should not exist... either fix the relationship immediately or move on.
For those who believe "relationships are hard"... sorry... you are wrong... any worthwhile, healthy relationship is not hard.
Thank you for the compliment!
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