My Father's Funeral

Sheila and I just arrived home from my father's funeral late last night.  I've been thinking about what I would write about his passing for quite some time.  For now, however, this blog entry isn't specifically nor solely about my father.  This particular blog entry is more about the social aspects of his funeral this past weekend.  I do plan to write a blog entry specifically about my father but this blog entry is strictly about the social aspects of the funeral weekend.  

Sheila and I drove down to Long Island the previous weekend to see my dad one last time.  My brother had called to inform me that our dad wasn't doing well and his time left was now very short so Sheila and I immediately started packing and drove down there the following day.  

That drive to Long Island was worthy of its own amusing blog entry but I'll keep it very short here.  -We had car problems and the traffic was horrendous.-  Our drive which should normally take about six hours of our time ended up sucking about nine hours out of us and we were left with a broken car as we limped onto Long Island.  

Fortunately, the weekend went well.  We saw my dad one last time and knew he only had another day or two of survival.  He wasn't able to talk at that point other than to blurt out an occasional word and he was only conscious (semi-conscious, really) for a few moments while we were there.  It was good for him to see us and for us to say a few words to him nevertheless.  

We drove back home to Vermont the following morning knowing we'd be back for his funeral within days.  

During both visits to my old town, we stayed at the Hampton Inn right on the edge of downtown.  This turned out to be an excellent location due to its close proximity to the train station, the funeral home and the church.  Being this close to town also meant that any visits to local pubs and restaurants would only be a few short blocks away making for easy walks and no need for designated drivers.  Best of all, getting deliveries of the best pizza we've ever had and garlic knots was very easy at this location!

So, on Thursday after the quick weekend visit to say goodbye, we headed back to Long Island.  This time, however, we chose to ride down on the train rather than drive the car that was still broken down.  Neither of us wanted to deal with the traffic anyway so we hopped on the train instead.  

Amtrak departs from the train station in our town and takes us directly to Penn Station in mid-town Manhattan.  From there we hop on the Long Island Railroad which takes us just a few blocks from our hotel.  Taking the train this time rather than driving allowed us to nap, walk around the train, eat on the train, read and just relax.  This is definitely our preferred method of travel.

Below is a photo of us at the Waterbury train station...

Before long, we were on the train headed south.  We usually travel in business class or first class but this last minute trip only had coach seats available.  It wasn't terrible but riding in coach class always reminds us of the reasons why we try to travel in business class as a minimum.  Regardless of the downgrade, our journey was uneventful.  Well...  the food could be better but we really had no problems.

The ride down to New York was nice and the scenery is always interesting which is one of the great things about traveling by train...

Heading down to Long Island for this trip was pretty quiet.  I was trying to conserve some energy for the long weekend and I had already talked Sheila's ear off on our drive back home after seeing my dad the previous weekend.  That visit brought many stories to the forefront of my mind so I probably babbled a bit on the drive back home a few days prior to this trip.  This train ride back to Long Island for the funeral, however, was pretty quiet.  

We were approaching New York a little later than anticipated but it was still light out.  The downside of being a little late is that this put us on a later Long Island Railroad train and we had to wait around for it.  The view approaching Long Island and Manhattan was great though!  Because we had to wait about 45 minutes for the next Long Island Railroad train, we didn't arrive at the hotel until around 9:45pm.  We immediately called our favorite pizzeria to have pizza and garlic knots delivered before they closed.

I thought this look on Sheila's face looked appropriate for this weekend and was definitely showing how quiet and perhaps somber this train ride was for us.  As I wrote previously, we were pretty quiet throughout this journey and I probably slept most of the way in an effort to save some energy for what I knew would be a busy funeral weekend.

The following morning, my immediate family arrived at the funeral home earlier than the calling hours to make sure all was in order.  This provided me with an opportunity to capture a few photos before any of the visitors arrived too.

This extremely large room looks quite empty at the moment but, before long, it was quite full.  

Although it appears as though Sheila was pretty much alone in the front row, she never was alone.  I should point out that it did not go unnoticed by me that my family treated her exceptionally well, with respect, and made her feel very much a part of the whole family.  Everyone, including the guests, all greeted her enthusiastically which did not go unnoticed by Sheila either.  More than once throughout the weekend, Sheila expressed to me how surprised she was by the welcoming warmth she received from everyone.  

I captured one of Sheila's quiet moments with my father...

My dad is a retired New York City fire lieutenant and this exciting career was definitely his defining identity so something from this part of his life needed to be at the funeral home.  He had accomplished many other things throughout his life but his career as a fireman was definitely who he was...  his character, his strength, his integrity, his courage, his bravery, and his second family.  However, it is worth mentioning that this second fire department family of his was also a major part of my family's extended family.  

Here is a photo of two of my nieces, Clare and Emma.  Kenzie, our granddaughter, wanted to join us on this trip so she could spend some time with Clare (closest to her age) but Kenzie's 8th grade graduation was conflicting with our travel plans.  We'll have to arrange another trip to Long Island in the coming months with Kenzie and Lukey joining us so they can spend a little time with Clare before she also heads off to college.  

Between the afternoon session and the evening session at the funeral home, the extended immediate family went out to one of my father's favorite pubs for dinner and a few drinks.  This has always been a family tradition going back to my earliest memories.  Needless to say, this was a great time and the food and drinks were exceptional!

In keeping with our family's Irish wake traditions, my brother-in-laws had arranged for coolers of soft drinks as well as beer and alcohol right outside the funeral home.  It was brutally hot outside too so having cold drinks available was a good idea regardless of Irish wake traditions.  This, however, was definitely an Irish wake.

My brother, Tim, was invaluable in making this whole funeral weekend run smoothly.  My two brothers-in-law, Tommy and Joe, were active in doing everything they could to make everyone comfortable.   My sisters, Theresa and Margaret, did everything they could possibly do in caring for my father, particularly Theresa, who lived downstairs from my dad in his last few years.  They were also good at welcoming all the guests visiting the wake and refreshing my memory on names of some of those I haven't seen in decades!

The funeral Mass was held at St Agnes Cathedral where I attended elementary school so it is a church I have always been very familiar with...

After the funeral Mass, the procession drove down the street of our old home.  Of note on this day, this street was lined with US flags.  

The burial was at St Charles Cemetery adjacent to Republic Airfield whose air traffic kept distracting me.  This is the location of many deceased family members.   

It was especially nice to share some stories and time with my Aunt Lorraine and Uncle Ted who are not really a related aunt and uncle but instead very close childhood friends of my parents'.  Regardless, they've always been considered close family "aunt and uncle" relatives throughout my life and have always been present at all family events particularly significant family events.  

My Uncle Ted is also a retired New York City fire officer (Battalion Chief) so there is also that extended family connection that I mentioned above.  Growing up, I always enjoyed sitting near my dad and Uncle Ted listening to their stories about their own firefighting experiences.  These stories definitely helped shape me for my own career.  Needless to say, it was nice to spend some more time with them this past weekend.  

My nieces and nephews, which obviously are my father's grandchildren, each had funny and sometimes profound stories to share about their grandfather...  about his silliness with them even though he was always very "proper" with all the adults around him...  about their memories...  about his short notes and stories he's written to them...  and about their grandfather's special moments that made him who he was in their eyes and hearts...  and they shared these stories with everyone throughout the weekend.  They've all grown into quite the young adults!

I didn't touch any of the endless supply of shots throughout the weekend but it was flowing freely for those who wanted to participate.  Sheila seemed to like it!

Here are two of my childhood next-door neighbors, Ellen and Kathy.  I grew up on a block with about two dozen kids.  It was a very pleasant surprise and very nice of Ellen and Kathy to spend a couple of days with us!  It was great talking with them and sharing stories from our childhood.  Oh...  and it was nice sharing theses stories with Sheila!

It was great spending the long weekend with my Uncle Bill and my cousin Kristie.  They were staying at the same hotel as us so we had a bit of extra time spent with them which was really nice.  They lived around the corner from us until around the time I left for college and the Air Force but I haven't really had much of an opportunity to catch up with them over the past four decades!  This weekend was fun talking about all the fun times in Rockville Centre, at my grandparents' house on the water, and at Brant Lake every summer.  

Actually, my whole family and even the extended family often referenced our summers at Brant Lake as being the highlights of each year.  Brant Lake has always felt like home for me so it was nice to hear that it was such a special place for most of the family too.  And, it was the source of many of the more amusing and funny family stories!

Hailey, my niece and one of my father's grandchildren, talked at length about her relationship with her grandfather and how she will miss him.  That was an impressive and even funny eulogy-type of speech!

 

My Uncle Ted got up to share a funny story with everyone about my parents, both of whom have now passed...

Below are some old friends of mine and of my sister Theresa...  Nick and Kathleen...  it was great to spend some time with them!  As always, I wish we had more time.  

By the way, Nick, if you are reading this, I remembered a little bit more about Mark's funeral and the car I might have been driving...  it was a little Ford Escort station wagon that I had just purchased from the Boy Scouts a week or two beforehand.   Sheila thinks I've blocked the memory of Mark's funeral out of my mind and I have to say that I think she is right.  I remember many, many stories and things about Mark but, for the life of me, I draw a complete blank when it comes to his unexpected funeral.  The more I think about it, the more I think I've blocked this time out of my memory!  I do think of Mark everyday though.  He was a great close friend and brother-in-law.

There was more than enough crying, sadness and grieving throughout this weekend but, as can be seen in these photos, there was also plenty of laughter and celebrating of life.  This was definitely an Irish wake and that would make my father proud.  There is no other way he would have preferred to leave this world.  But I know his spirit will live on in each of us as his spirit has related to each of us.  

On a personal note, this turned out to be one of my most satisfying and fulfilling trips back to Long Island.  This is not at all because I'm happy my father's life has come to an end but because I had an opportunity to talk extensively with family and friends I haven't seen in decades.  It was nice to be able to reminisce and laugh with all of these people once again.  It was nice to hear stories of my father, some I'd never heard before and others which are always nice to hear again.  It was also really nice to spend time with all the nieces and nephews who have now grown into some fine young adults.  

This was, without a doubt, a very successful and memorable wake and funeral and Sheila and I both had a great time with everyone!