Another Frustrating Delay in Treatment

Our plan for today was to head up to Burlington to continue Sheila's cancer treatment plan. Unfortunately, late yesterday afternoon, Sheila received a call from her nurse at the Breast Care Center informing her that today's appointment with the Oncologist was canceled and rescheduled for late next week... another delay and more frustration.

I have little doubt that Sheila is probably more frustrated than I am about the delay in treatment. I'm sure she doesn't like her whole treatment plan being put on hold, hanging over her head for longer than necessary, and weighing her down (and I am well aware that it is at this point in the waiting). 

We are also waiting for news about the latest test results which just happens to be the cause for this delay. Wondering about the results of this test is frustrating and causes some anxiety. Are the results going to show only a 'low risk'?  Or, are we dealing with cancer that rates as a higher risk? ...wait... wonder about the risks and treatment plans... wait... wonder and research more about risks and treatment plans... and then be told wait another week... and then struggle to keep your composure and stay calm...

Apparently, there was some concern and perhaps a little bit of bickering back and forth about who was paying for this test and that has caused this latest delay. The insurance balked at paying for it... the medical company running the test might pay for it but, first, they needed to exhaust all options in convincing the insurance company that this is a necessary test before they would even consider it. The Oncologist then submitted more justification for the test... and this resulted in more wasted time as Sheila sits here wondering and worrying about how quickly the cancer may come back while we are sitting here doing nothing... again. 

Sheila's treatment plan will be based upon the results of this new test so we need to wait for the results to come back before going any further in treatment. Waiting patiently is easy for a few days but suddenly seems to become quite frustrating when days turn to weeks. Actually, having a couple of days of waiting is a nice little break but when the wait turns from days to weeks it becomes brutally frustrating.

Our calendar is full... and, I mean full... except for when there are delays that open up weeks at a time, of course. Treatment will be daily for months... it will be monotonous... it will be boring at times... it will be grueling... it will be emotional... it will be draining which will make it even more emotional. We already have accepted that all else will come second to this treatment and all else is tentatively close to being knocked off our calendar altogether. These other events on our calendar are now only "penciled-in" as something we might do if we feel well enough or if we can squeeze it in between medical appointments and work and if we both feel well enough. 

When we see our calendar suspended in limbo like this it is a stark and cold reminder that a significant portion of our life is now suspended in limbo, coming in third in priority... after cancer treatment and after how well we might feel at any given time.  Hmmm... maybe it comes in fourth in priority after Sheila's career too. 

Even my own medical appointments are now only penciled-in on our calendar. 

Not to minimize nor diminish Sheila's frustrations at all but the frustration doesn't end at her. It may seem relatively silly but I'm also wrestling with the frustration of these delays screwing up my own treatment plan, our calendar, and our home renovation plans. I'm trying to button up the house and get a few little exterior projects accomplished before the snow arrives and I'm feeling anxious about getting enough accomplished quickly enough. We actually cut about 75% of the renovations off my to-do list and off our calendar the moment Sheila was diagnosed with cancer leaving only smaller projects and the routine tasks dictated by a change in seasons. At this point, unfortunately, it seems as though accomplishing only 25% of the renovation plan is an unrealistic goal. This is immensely frustrating because I feel as though time has been wasted through delays, poor weather, my own health problems and changes which are out of our control.

To be honest, I have absolutely no desire to be dealing with my own medical appointments and treatment while we are in this stage of Sheila's treatment. This lack of interest in my own medical stuff is about priorities and Sheila's health is the priority right now... it is about energy management... and it is about minimizing emotional stress. I have no desire to deal with my own medical stuff while we are dealing with Sheila's treatment and I feel my justification is valid for this decision. Unfortunately, I have a feeling my doctors disagree... which is frustrating.

As can be expected, I've been laying low this week after having some health problems earlier in the week so that was frustrating as well. I knew I needed to recover from my health problems to be ready for today's scheduled appointment with Sheila's Oncologist so I rested for a couple of days and pumped extra medications rather than try to accomplish some small things on our home renovation plan and risk wearing my health down causing my health to crash again (which always happens if I try to push my health beyond its mushy, unpredictable limits).

So... I wasted a few beautiful days, indoors, accomplishing nothing in an attempt to allow my body to heal as we waited for today's Oncology appointment only to find out late yesterday afternoon that I didn't need waste those beautiful, sunny days in order to store up some extra energy for this day at the hospital because our appointment has now been pushed out another week. If I had this information a few days ago, I probably could have accomplished a few little things outdoors.

The snow will fly in a matter of weeks so my window of opportunity when it comes to exterior home renovations is exceptionally short already. Shortening this window of opportunity is the fact that my own health is only good in very short spurts at unpredictable times. Wasting time and especially wasting beautiful autumn days is an added frustration for me when our schedule is already tight and I'm trying to keep my own poor health as stable as possible. 

I'm feeling as though I am stuck in the middle of a fight between my health, winter's rapid approach, the daily weather, my own doctors, my own medical treatment and trying to do all I can to make Sheila's life easier. Of course, Sheila's treatment plan and recovery is foremost in my thoughts and weighing on me quite a bit as well.

The real reason for this blog entry was to point out that we have another frustrating delay in Sheila's treatment and then I went off on a bit of a tangent explaining all the frustrations weighing heavily on us. Sheila is frustrated and exhausted and that is my main concern right now. 

Waiting can be frustrating and is definitely exceptionally frustrating when you are dealing with cancer. The usual waiting between appointments is bad enough when dealing with an initial bout with cancer but it gets really, really frustrating when you are dealing with a second fight with cancer and even more frustrating when you are trying to endure unexpected and unusual delays. 

I know Sheila is saying, as she holds back tears of frustration, "Uggg... let's get this going already..."

I concur.