Talked with Gramps Last Night

I dream just about every time I fall asleep.  That isn't so unusual though because I think everyone probably dreams every night.  What is unusual is I almost always remember these dreams as though they happened in real life whereas most people don't even remember dreaming at all.  My dreams are often vivid with sounds, sights, colors, touch, smells and real life references.  This is great, for the most part, but I do have to say that the overwhelming realism in these dreams often leaves me feeling completely exhausted when I awaken in the morning.  

As most readers should know by now, I am disabled and have been for the past 27 years.  As such and as one would expect, I can't do most of the things I did when I was younger and healthy.  On the positive side, this sudden disability was fairly easy to accept (after some grueling and painful therapy to walk and learn to live my daily life again) because I always had this nagging voice in my head telling me I should do whatever I can, while I can.  If I wanted to go rock climbing on towering cliffs, this voice always told me I should do it while I can.  If I wanted to grab a basketball and head to the local court, the little voice in my head told me to do it while I can.  There was no room for procrastination in my life.  And, I have to say that I did do a lot and most of that was very physical and strenuous stuff.  So, when disability knocked me on my butt, I was able to accept this disability with relatively little denial because I had already done more than most people do in their entire life.

Every now and then I have a dream of playing basketball...  or playing hockey...  or water skiing...  or snow skiing...  or scaling a sheer rock face...  or flying an aircraft of some sort...  or being back in my old career...  etc.  In these dreams, I am full of energy and feel no pain as though I were young and healthy again.  Then I wake up and feel as I do everyday, all day...  in pain and with so little energy that I must decide what things are most important to do on this morning before I run out of the energy to even stand another minute longer.  

These dreams of being active again are always welcomed and a nice diversion from my pain-ridden disabled life if only in my dreams.  And, believe it or not, rather than being left feeling bitter at my current health, I'm always thankful to get that little bit of active, painless time in my dreams even though it was "just a dream".  Plus, I know that these are things that I had already successfully accomplished in life so I really have never had any regrets about having missed out on something physically demanding that I wanted to do.  I already did them and it is time to move on.  That being said, it is always nice to do these things again in my dreams without feeling any pain though!

At a very young age, I understood that dreams are an important part of life.  I believe that dreams are rarely something to be casually dismissed.  Premonitory dreams have saved my life more than once.  I sort out and solve problems in my dreams.  People from my past will often help me sort out problems and especially emotions in my dreams and it is nice, if only in my dreams, that I get to spend time with these people again.  

You see, to me, dreams are a natural and important part of life.  They are not something silly or irrelevant to simply push aside.  Dreams are important because they provide you with insight in various ways for tackling various obstacles in your life. Sometimes the dreams are straight-forward, other times the dreams are so full of symbolism they need to be deciphered.  But they are always telling you something important that you must understand.  

Other than visiting places from my past, quite often, I see and talk with people from my life in my dreams.  These are people who have passed and are no longer with us.  Sometimes the dreams seem to have no meaning or purpose whatsoever other than to be like a nice little surprise of bumping into an old friend while out running errands.  Other times, the person seems to have something to say to nudge me in the right direction in my waking life.  And sometimes the person is so clear about something I am struggling with it is like being hit over the head with the obvious.

The unusual thing is that these people oftentimes seem to be unable to communicate by physically talking.  Well, it's not unusual to me anymore since my dreams have been this way my entire life but most people are skeptical whenever I mention this.  Physical talking does happen occasionally but it is exceptionally rare.  Instead, there is this sort of mind reading, reading of expressions, reading of actions, reading of colors, reading of auras, as a form of communication.  (Consequently, as Sheila will tell you, I am very good at reading people in my waking life.)   I talk in the dream but the others whom have passed don't talk...  they communicate with me in other ways but they don't physically talk.

I also dream of places from my past but, when my dream is about a place, the dreams often don't have any people in them.  That being said, one of the places I dream about quite a bit is my grandparents' old home on the south shore of Long Island and, last night, my dream of this place included my grandfather, Gramps.  I suppose I dream of this place often due to my attraction to boats and water as well as my history with this house but it is also because I was quite close to my grandmother and grandfather.  

When I was in college, my grandmother's health was quite poor so I visited her very often while my grandfather was at work to see if she needed anything and to make sure she was okay.  Actually, my cousin, William, and I would stagger visiting days so someone was always checking in with my grandmother just about every day.  

(Grandma and Gramps are pictured at right, on the "Connie B".) 

My grandmother was the typical Italian grandmother so these visits always involved pulling out more food than I could eat and pushing a meal on me.  She would ask me a million questions about school, girls, friends, etc, and oftentimes offer up unsolicited advice which, admittedly, would occasionally annoy me if her opinion differed from my own.  We'd talk for an hour or two and then I'd head back out to continue my day at the campus, work or a local bar with Kevin and/or my dad.  (Kevin was an uncle who was more like a brother to me.  We roomed together at Brant Lake in the summer and we hung out at the same places at least a few times a week.  Kevin always seemed to be a regular fixture in our house on Long Island as well.)   

While I was in college, Gramps would take me to work with him in Manhattan every now and then when I didn't have much on my schedule.  He was an engineer type of person who attended Brooklyn Tech for high school.  I didn't learn of his education until decades after I was in high school.  I found this tidbit of information interesting because this was the same school my high school teachers kept pushing me toward.  He and I shared some common interests and skills so it shouldn't have been much of a surprise that teachers were pushing me toward the prestigious school he attended.  We both enjoyed engineering, aircraft, photography, boats, the water and we got along very well.  We didn't agree on everything but we respected each other and had much in common.

Whenever my grandparents' waterfront home needed some repairs, I was there with tools and ladders which is something my father had instilled in me growing up.  I kept their lawn mowed, property landscaped, snow shoveled, and house painted.  For a short while, we kept our own runabout docked in their backyard.  In rough weather, I would make my way to their house to check on the boats and ensure they were still secure in the higher than usual tides and rough weather.  

We also kept my sailboat at their home during the summers so I could go sailing whenever I felt like it.  In fact, when I was in high school, I would ride my bicycle to their house to go sailing.  That was a 6-7 mile ride each way.  By the time I was in college, I was riding my bicycle all across Long Island just for fun as well as exercise.  I had a car but enjoyed cycling.  I spent a lot of time at my grandparents' house though.

Throughout my entire life, Gramps always had a nice mahogany sedan cruiser in the backyard named after my grandmother...  "Connie B".  For my siblings, cousins and I, this was always the congregating place and play place whenever we visited.  It's easy for me to still vividly hear the waves lapping at the hull, feel the gentle rocking, and hear the subtle creaking of this mahogany boat.  I can even smell the mahogany whenever I imagine being in the cabin of this rather unique boat.  

Although I played on this boat hundreds or even thousands of times, Gramps only took us out on the boat once in my lifetime when the whole family went on a day trip.  I'm the eldest grandchild and was only three at the time so the only other grandchild on this cruise was my cousin William who was probably too young to remember this day.  Sometime during this day cruise, the weather turned bad with a sudden and rather violent thunderstorm.  Tensions rose, women were hysterical, and Gramps was frustrated and angry...  clearly, mostly the result of himself being a bit frightened and feeling uncharacteristically out of control.  After that incident, Gramps never took the kids out on this beautiful boat ever again.  This boat would always be an object of his affection and devotion but I'm sure he didn't ever want to experience that storm situation again especially with his grandchildren aboard.

It wasn't ever discussed but I always understood why Gramps never took us out on the boat again because I do vividly remember that last outing in the thunderstorm.  I explain all of this not to fault anyone but to express how much Grandma, Gramps and even this boat means to me.  

This is where last night's dream comes into focus.

In my dream, which was a notably longer dream than most of my dreams, Gramps and I were on the dock next to the boat.  We were talking for quite a while about many things like we usually did and sort of catching up about things that happened since he passed.    All of a sudden, he seemed to realize that he never took us out on the boat again after that fateful stormy day in 1965.  

I know there was a sudden realization by him in this dream because his expression changed suddenly.  In my dream now, Gramps was expressing remorse like he was just hit with a heavy wall of emotion pertaining to something he could have realized decades ago.  He said to me, "wait...  you never...???" and the look on his face changed to remorse and regret.  

In the dream, I felt that he was showing regret and remorse as though he had always planned to take us out of the boat again but it was one of those things that just never seemed to materialize...  like there was always "tomorrow".  It was like he was coming to terms with this realization.  

I could easily write more about why Gramps never took any of us out on his boat again but that is not the point of this story.  I know the reasons.  He never had to tell me.  I know why.  Actually, I've experienced something similar in my own life as a grandfather so I do completely understand.  

Gramps then tells me he had been working on the engine and that I should take her out for a test drive.  I was a bit surprised but, with wide eyes without saying a word, I hopped into the open aft deck and immediately notice the hatches of the engine compartment were open so I took a quick look to make sure everything looks in order and closed the hatches.  Before I cranked it up, I ask my grandfather, "Don't I need to run the blower for a while before cranking?"  

He gave me his classic "Gramps" response which told me that, yes, this is Gramps.  With a little bit of sarcasm, he pointedly said, "the manual is right there", pointing toward the helm.  

I don't even know why I asked the question I asked.  I knew better.  I knew what his response would be.  I should have asked, "where is the manual?"  

Whenever one of us would ask him to help us assemble or operate a new toy or fix something, he would always ask, "Did you read the manual?"  In this dream, I immediately knew this was definitely dear ole Gramps and, to this day, I devour technical manuals whenever I want to learn something and, actually, I despise when people are too lazy to crack a book to answer their own questions especially now that it is so abundantly simple today with the internet.  All the information you need is literally at your fingertips so don't be lazy by asking someone else.  I truly understand Gramps' attitude about "reading the manual".

As we continued to talk, I picked up the manual and skimmed through it.  I turned on the blower motor to exhaust any fuel fumes before cranking the engine.  If you don't blow out all the fuel fumes, then you could experience a catastrophic explosion when the spark starting up the engine ignites the fumes too.  

I blew out the fumes while we talked and then cranked the engine.  The engine roared to life with a low frequency rumble that you can feel in your chest.  The exhaust pipes are positioned on the transom right at the water line...  half above the water line and half below the water line so they make a distinctive gurgling sound as the exhaust exits through this thin surface water.  

I untied the two rear cleats while Gramps remained on the dock and disconnected the lines at the bow, reaching up, using a docking stick to unhook the lines from the cleat by the front hatch.  I put the engine into forward gear and then slowly put some pressure on the throttle.  The engine slowly revs up and the big lumbering boat slowly begins pushing its weight forward through the water.  I wait for the boat to clear the pilings on each side of the slip before turning the wheel to starboard.  If you attempt to turn the wheel while still in the slip, the stern of the boat will shift to the opposite side of the turn and hit the pilings.  

After clearing the pilings, I turn the boat to starboard and push the throttle forward a bit more but keeping the boat under 10 knots since I am still in a "no wake zone".  

I can actually smell all the familiar smells...  the shore, the exhaust...  I can hear the familiar sound of the engine, the gurgling exhaust, as well as the annoying squawking of rats with wings... err...  seagulls.  When I reach the end of the bay, I make the turn to port to stay in the channel that banks around the perimeter of the bay.  

This channel will take me to one of the bridges on the Meadowbrook Parkway.  I've been under and over this bridge many times in my life.  In this dream, I remember that there used to be two little shanties on pilings in the marsh right on the edge of the channel just before the bridge.  Although I do look for them in my dream, I don't see them.  The last time I truly saw these shanties was more than 40 years ago so, even in my dream, I'm not surprised I don't see them.  

As I approach the bridge, I take note of the tide...  the water is calm but the tide is going out so I would be running with the fast moving tide in the narrows under the bridge.  This is a tough situation because the current can push the stern of the boat sideways and cause you to slam into the bridge.  The way you counter this is with more power, a sure hand on the throttle and a light touch on the wheel.  I wisely decide to avoid going under the bridge since it is my first few minutes piloting this big boat and I make a u-turn to head back around the perimeter of the bay to head back to Gramps.  

I make my way around the bay in the channel and, as I approach the dock, I see Gramps is still working on the dock.  He stands and watches to see how I do in docking this mahogany behemoth.  Docking requires skill and knowledge and this is especially true when piloting a large boat.

Gramps uses his hand and index finger pointed downward to remind me how to approach the dock...  swinging his arm in a big circle so I can then back the boat into the slip.  This is a very tricky maneuver.  You need to read the current (tide), the wind, and keep in mind that you have no steering control when in reverse (lateral/bow thrusters weren't a thing in these old boats).  You also need to keep in mind that you must manage the power just right so that you don't overshoot your intentions nor lose power and thus lose control.  

Somehow I make the turn and then carefully time the switch to reverse so I can back straight into the slip next to the dock without the use of the rudder because it is useless in reverse.  It wasn't perfect but I got her safely into the slip.  

Gramps slips the docking lines on the cleats along the dockside of the boat which is the port side.  I secure the starboard side stern but, after making my way to the bow, I then have trouble reaching the line on the starboard side of the bow.  I try reaching for the line hanging from the piling but I can't reach it and fall into the water.  I don't think I've ever made this mistake in real life so it must be some symbolism in my dream.

While swimming (sort of scurrying, really) my way to the neighbor's dock, I noticed some horseshoe crabs scattering about under my feet.  Although another interesting detail in this long dream, this is definitely some symbolism...  as is the boat...  as is falling in the water...  as is the channel around the bay...  as likely is me going back home to Gramps.  

I climb back up the next door neighbor's dock.  This used to be the dock and home of a lawyer named Milton who always reminded me of Larry Tate on the show "Bewitched" but I have no idea who is living there now.  I run up to the bulkhead and back over to Gramps' dock.  Running would have been excruciating in real life but there was no pain in this dream which is worth noting.

Gramps asked me how she ran...  how she handled...  and he seemed genuinely happy that I finally had an opportunity to take his girl out for a short spin.  He had a smile on his face and he seemed rather proud.  The dream ended here when I awoke.

Although this beautiful boat pretty much remained docked for 15 years after that fateful day cruise in a thunderstorm (reminiscent of the Gilligan's Island intro), Gramps continued to care for her each and every day.  The changing tide would require daily checks to ensure she was still safe.  The battery would need to be checked regularly because the bilge pump would wear it down.  He maintained the engine.  Every spring, he painstakingly sanded her down, painted the bottom with anti-fouling paint and varnished the hull with multiple coats of varnish.  I always offered to help him sand and varnish but he always declined my offer and always replied, "you should be playing...  go play!"  

Unfortunately, the Connie B was destroyed in a hurricane around the time I graduated high school.  Seeing her beautiful mahogany bow splintered was a heart-wrenching sight.  She was mildly listing in her slip with her bow splintered and open to the elements.  It is a dreadful sight that is seared into my memory and one I will never forget.  

In this dream, however, she was the one who was younger, healthy and running beautifully.  The image of her demise in my waking life will stay with me forever though.  I suppose there is a parallel between my life and the life of Connie B.  Although the conversation with Gramps was the main element in this dream, there also was plenty of symbolism that I skipped in this blog entry.  

The symbolism in my dreams always helps me understand my own emotions and this dream was no different.  These dreams are like free and very effective counseling sessions.  

Although I never told him so while he was with us, I really was disappointed that I never experienced time on Connie B when she was running freely in open water.  I think that at some point, just like in my dream, he realized this.  Of course, my dreams are really about me and I understand that too.  Freud theorized that everyone in your dreams is you but I don't subscribe to that theory.

Although I didn't write about most of the symbolism in this long dream, I should mention that some of this dream was definitely about my own struggles.  Most of this dream, however, was about spending time with Gramps and the things we shared together.  The really great thing about my dreams is that it is always nice to "talk" with these figures from my past...  especially Gramps.